Love is Blindness?

Please bear with me as I am feeling rather deep this evening.  Take a moment, close your eyes, and take a deep breath.  Now, remember the first time you fell in love with another person.  I bet you remember the year and maybe even what you were wearing.  Certainly you remember the music (or bear with me and pretend that you do).  The first time I fell in love, U2’s Auchtung Baby had just been released and it is an album I consider flawless to this day.

It was quite a departure from anything they put out in the 80's and I remember at the time not liking it too much myself.  But it grew on me; kind of like my recent proclivity for single malt scotch.

The last track on the album is called Love is Blindness.  I remember seeing U2 play end a show with it in the fall of 1991 at Madison Square Garden; we had horrible seats behind the stage.  We didn’t care.  The Pixies opened up for U2 and I remember to this day seeing the back of Frank Black’s head as he sang “Outside, there’s a boxcar waiting;” lyrics I would not appreciate until I was older. 

Back to your first experience falling in love – tell the truth, wasn’t it great? Better than any drug or drink; a dragon you might still be chasing?  I listened to Love is Blindness tonight; by chance as my iPod was on shuffle and I was walking the dog in the rain.  The Lyrics hit me like a punch in the face from Tawny Kitean:

 

Love is blindness

I don’t want to see

You wrap the night

Around me

Take my heart

Love is blindness

Go back to the time when you first felt the love of another person.  Was it that first person you thought of in the beginning of this post, or was it someone else?

 

“The perfect love drowns out all fear.”

Gifts of Spirit

This past year, our triplets turned seven.  It was the first time in seven years that we did not have a birthday party for them. Initially, they were upset about that because they would not be able to share their birthday with their friends.  Truth be told, they were also upset because they were not going to get as many birthday presents as they had received in prior years.

My wife and I are trying to raise the kids to not be selfish and overly worldly, but that is a hard thing to do where we live.  All their friends have so much and, as a kid, you sometimes have a hard time understanding that and seeing the bigger picture.  Deep down inside, I suppose I don’t expect them to understand it.

What kills me though is when they come to us and say “but we don’t have anything to play with.” What upsets me is not that they are not thankful for all the toys that they have, but because they are blind to the gifts that they have that they cannot see.

Our children are extremely artistic.  Give them a blank piece of paper along with some markers and they can create masterpieces. They are happy singing to themselves, not caring who is listening to them or what they sound like.  They freely give hugs, sometimes to strangers.  Their innocence is evident in the constant questions they ask. 

These are all gifts that I myself once possessed and lost somewhere along the way.  I am overly conscious of my actions; I can't spend an hour drawing, even if its to save my life, and I cant remember the last time I truly bared my soul to a random stranger.  My innocence was lost a long time ago.

Maybe I need to take a page out of their playbook.   Any suggestions?

A Broken Mirror

A few weeks ago, my friend Leo and I saw Angels and Demons.  For the record, we are both practicing Catholics and we, in spite of seeing the movie, are still practicing Catholics.  Imagine that…

When I was a child, I broke a mirror. My mother told me it would be 7 years bad luck (even though she is Catholic and should not believe in such superstitions).  When a mirror breaks, it can never be put back together.  But what about a person’s spirit? Is it like a mirror?

I have a friend named John who is as close as a brother to me.  He joined the Marine Corps after college; we all thought he was crazy.  He enlisted.  He wanted to be with the everyday person.  As I understand it, basic training in the Marine Corps is grueling – they are known to break you down.  And, as I understand it, the purpose of breaking you down is to make you a stronger person.  Now some people don’t become stronger and they “fail,” that is, they leave the Marines before becoming a Marine.  But what of those who become a marine? They become stronger people; stronger in body and stronger in spirit.

I would like to think that those of us who have faith in something larger than ourselves are more like Marines than we are mirrors.  There are many times when our faith is tested and we walk away stronger for it.

Who are we to think our faith is as strong as it can be? Recall the Apostles who walked with Jesus.  The saw Him perform miracles and they still questioned who He was when they themselves were put to the test.  Thomas doubted Him.  Peter denied Him (3 times I might add).  If the Apostles, who walked in His footsteps, doubted Him, who are we not to doubt?

The point is, faith is completely irrational.  As such, we will always doubt it.  Faith is also a seed that we have to continually water and shed sunlight on.  What are some of the ways we can help our seeds sprout?

"You can do it, We can help"

While my parents live in Florida for most of the year, they spend summers up in Connecticut. During the summer, I try have lunch with my father on a somewhat regular basis as I always find some wisdom in the stories he shares about his experiences with American Express, the Coast Guard, or the New Rochelle Postal Service (“I learned quickly not to finish my route too early or else they would figure out we could handle more routes and therefore need fewer letter carriers.” According to him, my father knew every “Gin joint” in New Rochelle. But I digress.

My father’s stories always start with the same phrase, ”Have I ever told you this story?”  To which I usually reply something snarky like “I suppose I will only know if you told me the story you are about to tell me when you actually start telling me the story.” Dad’s response is always the same, “Don’t be a smart ass.”

I never learn.

Back in the 1970s American Express had started to look beyond travel for card volume growth and was signing up retail stores to start accepting “The Card.” In those days, the sales person would work with the prospective merchant to fill out the application and it would be sent along to Amex HQ in New York for approval.  A friend of my father’s in Atlanta filled out an application for a hardware store to take the card.  He was surprised when it came back as being declined with the reason being “Amex is not targeting hardware stores.” Perplexed, this associate of my father’s asked my father for help and my father obliged by coming down and seeing the operation, which was unlike any he had seen before.  Having contacts in the operations center of Amex, my father hand delivered the contract to those who could authorize it and the contract was authorized through the “Back Door.”

30 + years later, The Home Depot still takes the American Express Card.

What was potentially a missed opportunity turned out to be a big win for American Express all because 2 people had passion for something and could see the value in it even though it was “off strategy.”

How many missed opportunities do we have in our own family lives? Maybe we say no to our children when they ask to sign up for an activity because it has no interest to us:

“What, you want to play hockey? Your mother and I never played hockey…we are just not a hockey family…”

That happened in my house (and my daughter, incidentally, loves the sport and can skate with the best of them).  Thankfully, we decided to let our daughter play hockey and the decision to do so was truly an eye-opening lesson for me on my own parental journey. We should not limit our children based on our own personal interests.  Within reason, we should let them try on many hats until they find those that fit.

Remembering Linda Richman

A client who wanted to understand point of entry into a certain product category recently hired me to help uncover the motivations that led to product trial. To accomplish this I asked groups of consumers who use the category to prepare a collage of pictures that represent the primary reasons they first started using this product.  The use of pictures to represent feelings is a great way to understand the more emotional vs. rational drivers of behavior.  While these consumers had a variety of reasons for presently using this particular product category, the pictures chosen to represent their early experiences all had the same driver lurking behind them; parental influence.

Out of the 20 or so consumers interviewed, each chose to include pictures of family.  As I explored this theme more, I uncovered the following; each consumer stated that the product under question was something that was always in their homes and, as children, they saw their parents using it every day. In addition, product was considered taboo for children to use, although there was no legal age restriction on who could use the product.

Therefore:

Regular use by parents and other adults 

+

the taboo nature of the products for children 

= 

a strong desire to see what the fuss is all about. 

It was clear; entry into this category was driven by the desire to become more like an adult and less like a child. As the day of interviews progressed, the fact that our behavior as parents has such an impact on the choices our children make hit me right between the eyes. 

Between work, going back and forth to our children’s activities, and helping our kids with the basics, we sometimes forget that our kids are walking hard drives eagerly looking to fill their available gigabytes with information about their world. What do they see us, their role models, doing in our spare time? Do we get upset when our kids spend half a morning on the couch watching TV instead of playing outside? To explain their behavior, let’s look at our own. What do they see us doing in our spare time?

The product category I was helping my client investigate is rather innocuous, but what if it was something more damaging to children, like alcohol? I would venture to guess that we would hear the same themes uncovered. As we think about all that we want for our children we have to remember that they will learn just as much, if not more, from our actions and behaviors as they will from our words.  

The Pope and Obama

While President Obama is in Rome this week for the G8 summit, he is scheduled to meet with the Pope.  This meeting is causing some outrage amongst Catholics who question why the Pope would want to meet with President Obama given the latter’s support of abortion. This is not surprising considering the outrage leading up to the President’s commencement address at Notre Dame (was there a slow clap at the end of the President’s address like there was at the end of Rudy)?

Could the Pope taking a meeting with the president suggest that the Vatican is softening its stand on abortion? I’ll take “strongly disagree” for $1,000 Alex.

Let’s think outside the realm of Religion for a minute and consider the role doctors play in our lives.  Who are doctors here to serve, the healthy or the sick? The answer is, of course, both.  Doctors help the healthy stay healthy though preventative care and they of course are available to help heal those who are sick. 

The Church is like a doctor whose job it is to maintain the spiritual health of its members but also heal those who could be considered spiritually ill.  In this light, Catholics should view the Pope’s meeting with President Obama as the opportunity to change his heart on the abortion issue and not as an endorsement of his pro-choice views.

Not to deflate the importance of their differences on the abortion issue, but I wonder how far apart the Pope and President Obama are on other important issues including immigration, war, the availability of healthcare, and general public welfare.  We may never know as our media prefers to focus on areas of conflict vs. areas of agreement.    

Seeing the Need for Compassion

A few weekends ago I offered to do the grocery shopping and took the kids with me. Note, this is the first uncharacteristic move I made that day.

The shopping trip was similar to most we have been on complete with arguments over what snacks and drinks to buy, who will sit in the cart, and, of course, if each could have a balloon upon checkout. Indeed, this trip was like many others until we were making our way to the checkout counter. In front of us there was an elderly man, probably in his 80s, shouting at a store employee. I am not sure what the old man’s name is but for the sake of argument let’s call him Peter. Another person asked me if I would intervene and I did something uncharacteristic of what I would normally do in such a situation; I intervened.

I told my kids not to move and went right to the man who was pushing the clerk. I tapped him on the shoulder, looked into his eyes, and asked him what was wrong. In broken English he tried to explain to me that the clerk accused his wife of shoplifting and he was trying to defend her honor.  Again, I am not sure what his wife’s name is so, for the sake of argument, lets call her Maria. This action on my part took just enough time to calm everyone down and for the store manager to arrive at “the scene.”

I walked away with the kids and went to self-checkout only to have the store manager track me down and hand each of my kids balloons as a thank you to me for helping diffuse a tense situation.  The manger explained to me that Peter’s wife is senile and had a history of unintentional shoplifting. 

As I reflect on the gift of this encounter I wish I could have spent more time with Peter.  I would like to know how long he has been married, what Maria was like when she was younger, and the challenges he faces as a man living with a woman who likely forgets who he is. But I suppose one does not think of such questions while shopping with triplets.

Is there a lesson here?  In my mind, its that we must always show compassion to those in need.  The trick for us is to actually take the time to “see” those in need and not be blind to the needs of others; even when they take the form of a crazy old man at Stop and Shop.

What do Mulch and U2 have in Common?

Another run today and another chance to see how faith and culture intersect.

______________

Every year I start an argument with my wife over mulch.  I know it sounds crazy but it used to boggle my mind why we had to lay down new mulch every year. She always told me it made the house look nicer and it prevented the weeds from growing where we did not want them to grow.  This year, we went cheap on the mulch. As I was bringing in the paper this morning, I saw weeds poking through where we laid down mulch this Spring and, I must say, it was not attractive. Score, Nicole 1, Mike 0.

As the day progressed I decided to go for a run around lunchtime, as the weather was too good not to get outside.  As is my custom, I took along the iPod, selected U2 from the “artists” menu and then selected “all songs” and “shuffle” as listening options.  I always get some inspiration from U2 and enjoy the possibility that I will hear a song that I have not listened to in a long time; or ever before.  Such is the case with Flower Child. 

During the sessions for All that You Can’t Leave Behind, the band recorded a song called Flower Child. While it never made it to the album, it did find its way to a compilation entitled U2 Medium, Rare, and Re-mastered. The refrain is as follows:

 The seeds that you sow


You wanna watch them growing


Wild, you grow wild


You grow wild in my heart


Wild, you grow wild


You grow wild in my heart


Wild...

I started to think that our children are the seeds that we plant.  It brings me great joy to see our triplets grow and develop (alongside, of course, the anger and frustration that arise when they do something which could be counterproductive to their growth and development). That said, as parents it is our job to provide the fertile soil, water, and sunshine that will enable them to blossom into happy adults.  We have to set a good example for them and teach them values that they can use to aid in decision-making later in life.

During the run I also reflected on one of the big decisions my wife and I are facing; namely whether or not to keep our children at the school where they currently attend or to place them in our public school system. Their current school only has 2 classes per grade while the public school has 5.  In short, we would be able to place them all in different classrooms if we switched schools (right now 2 of them share a classroom). We would like them to have independent experiences and it seems like the later option will be able to provide that. The later option also has us giving up the smaller, family focused environment in which they are thriving.

Is independence a natural desire? That’s kind of a funny question coming on the heels of July 4^th but one to consider nonetheless.  From the time we are born we are taught to grow up and be independent, but is a drive for independence a conditioned response to what our larger society values?  I can see where co-dependence can be disabling but at the other end of the spectrum, isolation is as well. 

People do think we are crazy for obsessing on this so much but at the root of our obsession is the desire to see our children blossom.  Which path leads to fertile soil, water, and sunshine and which path leads to mulch?  I suppose only time will tell.  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Paul Simon and an Old Pair of Nikes

I wanted to share with you a memory of my father that was published in The Stamford Advocate in June of 2008.

My father has had a wonderful impact on my life and it motivated to write this piece.

______________

What do an old pair of Nike sneakers, Paul Simon, The Advocate and the State Theatre have in common? My father, Don Carlon. When I was growing up, my father taught me lessons of sacrifice, generosity and frugality through the example he set for me and my brothers and sister.

Sacrifice: Growing up, my father had one pair of sneakers that were, what seems like, from the Washington administration. I remember being somewhat embarrassed by these old sneakers and asked him why he did not get a new pair. His reply was simple; that these old sneakers still fit. It is only now, as the father of 6-year-old triplets, that I come to see an additional reason why the old sneakers remained in his life for so long - he kept wearing old sneakers so his children could have new ones.

Generosity: My father is a very generous person - he and my mother put all of us through college and some of us through graduate school, giving us the building blocks to have successful careers. In addition to being financially generous, dad is also generous with his time. My twin brother, Jimmy, and I were paperboys for The Advocate while in middle school. We had a pretty big route, spanning many streets and homes off Newfield Avenue. You all know how big the Sunday papers are - and these were very difficult to deliver in a timely manner off my BMX bike. So on Sunday mornings, Dad would load us into the white Oldsmobile and drive us to deliver the papers. We would listen to Paul Simon's "Graceland" in its entirety while doing so. To this day, I listen to that flawless album on a regular basis, sometimes with a tear in my eye, as I think about my father taking the time to help us deliver those newspapers.

Frugality: Those of us who grew up in Stamford remember the State Theatre as the place where you could see a somewhat new movie for a fraction of the cost of the other theater chains. If there were ever a movie we wanted to see (such as something completely inappropriate for a 10-year-old like "Sudden Impact") my father waited for it to come to the State and we would see it, albeit later than most people in town, for a discount. That is only where the frugality begins. Prior to pulling into our parking space, we would visit the Food Bag, pick up some sodas and popcorn and bring those into the theater with us ("They rip you off at concession stands - I remember when popcorn was a nickel."). The icing on the cake was my father trying to pass my twin brother and me off as children to get a lower ticket price ("Bend down a little boys and Michael, walk with a limp."). Never mind that he would try this when we were both shaving on a regular basis.

As I look back on my childhood, I could never imagine growing up with anyone else as my father. Sure he had his quirks (black dot tests, creative swear word combinations, endless stories about the 20 jobs he had while putting himself through Iona College) but I will use this opportunity to say something I don't say nearly enough: I love you dad!