Remembering Linda Richman

A client who wanted to understand point of entry into a certain product category recently hired me to help uncover the motivations that led to product trial. To accomplish this I asked groups of consumers who use the category to prepare a collage of pictures that represent the primary reasons they first started using this product.  The use of pictures to represent feelings is a great way to understand the more emotional vs. rational drivers of behavior.  While these consumers had a variety of reasons for presently using this particular product category, the pictures chosen to represent their early experiences all had the same driver lurking behind them; parental influence.

Out of the 20 or so consumers interviewed, each chose to include pictures of family.  As I explored this theme more, I uncovered the following; each consumer stated that the product under question was something that was always in their homes and, as children, they saw their parents using it every day. In addition, product was considered taboo for children to use, although there was no legal age restriction on who could use the product.

Therefore:

Regular use by parents and other adults 

+

the taboo nature of the products for children 

= 

a strong desire to see what the fuss is all about. 

It was clear; entry into this category was driven by the desire to become more like an adult and less like a child. As the day of interviews progressed, the fact that our behavior as parents has such an impact on the choices our children make hit me right between the eyes. 

Between work, going back and forth to our children’s activities, and helping our kids with the basics, we sometimes forget that our kids are walking hard drives eagerly looking to fill their available gigabytes with information about their world. What do they see us, their role models, doing in our spare time? Do we get upset when our kids spend half a morning on the couch watching TV instead of playing outside? To explain their behavior, let’s look at our own. What do they see us doing in our spare time?

The product category I was helping my client investigate is rather innocuous, but what if it was something more damaging to children, like alcohol? I would venture to guess that we would hear the same themes uncovered. As we think about all that we want for our children we have to remember that they will learn just as much, if not more, from our actions and behaviors as they will from our words.  

The Pope and Obama

While President Obama is in Rome this week for the G8 summit, he is scheduled to meet with the Pope.  This meeting is causing some outrage amongst Catholics who question why the Pope would want to meet with President Obama given the latter’s support of abortion. This is not surprising considering the outrage leading up to the President’s commencement address at Notre Dame (was there a slow clap at the end of the President’s address like there was at the end of Rudy)?

Could the Pope taking a meeting with the president suggest that the Vatican is softening its stand on abortion? I’ll take “strongly disagree” for $1,000 Alex.

Let’s think outside the realm of Religion for a minute and consider the role doctors play in our lives.  Who are doctors here to serve, the healthy or the sick? The answer is, of course, both.  Doctors help the healthy stay healthy though preventative care and they of course are available to help heal those who are sick. 

The Church is like a doctor whose job it is to maintain the spiritual health of its members but also heal those who could be considered spiritually ill.  In this light, Catholics should view the Pope’s meeting with President Obama as the opportunity to change his heart on the abortion issue and not as an endorsement of his pro-choice views.

Not to deflate the importance of their differences on the abortion issue, but I wonder how far apart the Pope and President Obama are on other important issues including immigration, war, the availability of healthcare, and general public welfare.  We may never know as our media prefers to focus on areas of conflict vs. areas of agreement.    

Seeing the Need for Compassion

A few weekends ago I offered to do the grocery shopping and took the kids with me. Note, this is the first uncharacteristic move I made that day.

The shopping trip was similar to most we have been on complete with arguments over what snacks and drinks to buy, who will sit in the cart, and, of course, if each could have a balloon upon checkout. Indeed, this trip was like many others until we were making our way to the checkout counter. In front of us there was an elderly man, probably in his 80s, shouting at a store employee. I am not sure what the old man’s name is but for the sake of argument let’s call him Peter. Another person asked me if I would intervene and I did something uncharacteristic of what I would normally do in such a situation; I intervened.

I told my kids not to move and went right to the man who was pushing the clerk. I tapped him on the shoulder, looked into his eyes, and asked him what was wrong. In broken English he tried to explain to me that the clerk accused his wife of shoplifting and he was trying to defend her honor.  Again, I am not sure what his wife’s name is so, for the sake of argument, lets call her Maria. This action on my part took just enough time to calm everyone down and for the store manager to arrive at “the scene.”

I walked away with the kids and went to self-checkout only to have the store manager track me down and hand each of my kids balloons as a thank you to me for helping diffuse a tense situation.  The manger explained to me that Peter’s wife is senile and had a history of unintentional shoplifting. 

As I reflect on the gift of this encounter I wish I could have spent more time with Peter.  I would like to know how long he has been married, what Maria was like when she was younger, and the challenges he faces as a man living with a woman who likely forgets who he is. But I suppose one does not think of such questions while shopping with triplets.

Is there a lesson here?  In my mind, its that we must always show compassion to those in need.  The trick for us is to actually take the time to “see” those in need and not be blind to the needs of others; even when they take the form of a crazy old man at Stop and Shop.

What do Mulch and U2 have in Common?

Another run today and another chance to see how faith and culture intersect.

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Every year I start an argument with my wife over mulch.  I know it sounds crazy but it used to boggle my mind why we had to lay down new mulch every year. She always told me it made the house look nicer and it prevented the weeds from growing where we did not want them to grow.  This year, we went cheap on the mulch. As I was bringing in the paper this morning, I saw weeds poking through where we laid down mulch this Spring and, I must say, it was not attractive. Score, Nicole 1, Mike 0.

As the day progressed I decided to go for a run around lunchtime, as the weather was too good not to get outside.  As is my custom, I took along the iPod, selected U2 from the “artists” menu and then selected “all songs” and “shuffle” as listening options.  I always get some inspiration from U2 and enjoy the possibility that I will hear a song that I have not listened to in a long time; or ever before.  Such is the case with Flower Child. 

During the sessions for All that You Can’t Leave Behind, the band recorded a song called Flower Child. While it never made it to the album, it did find its way to a compilation entitled U2 Medium, Rare, and Re-mastered. The refrain is as follows:

 The seeds that you sow


You wanna watch them growing


Wild, you grow wild


You grow wild in my heart


Wild, you grow wild


You grow wild in my heart


Wild...

I started to think that our children are the seeds that we plant.  It brings me great joy to see our triplets grow and develop (alongside, of course, the anger and frustration that arise when they do something which could be counterproductive to their growth and development). That said, as parents it is our job to provide the fertile soil, water, and sunshine that will enable them to blossom into happy adults.  We have to set a good example for them and teach them values that they can use to aid in decision-making later in life.

During the run I also reflected on one of the big decisions my wife and I are facing; namely whether or not to keep our children at the school where they currently attend or to place them in our public school system. Their current school only has 2 classes per grade while the public school has 5.  In short, we would be able to place them all in different classrooms if we switched schools (right now 2 of them share a classroom). We would like them to have independent experiences and it seems like the later option will be able to provide that. The later option also has us giving up the smaller, family focused environment in which they are thriving.

Is independence a natural desire? That’s kind of a funny question coming on the heels of July 4^th but one to consider nonetheless.  From the time we are born we are taught to grow up and be independent, but is a drive for independence a conditioned response to what our larger society values?  I can see where co-dependence can be disabling but at the other end of the spectrum, isolation is as well. 

People do think we are crazy for obsessing on this so much but at the root of our obsession is the desire to see our children blossom.  Which path leads to fertile soil, water, and sunshine and which path leads to mulch?  I suppose only time will tell.  Feel free to share your thoughts.

Paul Simon and an Old Pair of Nikes

I wanted to share with you a memory of my father that was published in The Stamford Advocate in June of 2008.

My father has had a wonderful impact on my life and it motivated to write this piece.

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What do an old pair of Nike sneakers, Paul Simon, The Advocate and the State Theatre have in common? My father, Don Carlon. When I was growing up, my father taught me lessons of sacrifice, generosity and frugality through the example he set for me and my brothers and sister.

Sacrifice: Growing up, my father had one pair of sneakers that were, what seems like, from the Washington administration. I remember being somewhat embarrassed by these old sneakers and asked him why he did not get a new pair. His reply was simple; that these old sneakers still fit. It is only now, as the father of 6-year-old triplets, that I come to see an additional reason why the old sneakers remained in his life for so long - he kept wearing old sneakers so his children could have new ones.

Generosity: My father is a very generous person - he and my mother put all of us through college and some of us through graduate school, giving us the building blocks to have successful careers. In addition to being financially generous, dad is also generous with his time. My twin brother, Jimmy, and I were paperboys for The Advocate while in middle school. We had a pretty big route, spanning many streets and homes off Newfield Avenue. You all know how big the Sunday papers are - and these were very difficult to deliver in a timely manner off my BMX bike. So on Sunday mornings, Dad would load us into the white Oldsmobile and drive us to deliver the papers. We would listen to Paul Simon's "Graceland" in its entirety while doing so. To this day, I listen to that flawless album on a regular basis, sometimes with a tear in my eye, as I think about my father taking the time to help us deliver those newspapers.

Frugality: Those of us who grew up in Stamford remember the State Theatre as the place where you could see a somewhat new movie for a fraction of the cost of the other theater chains. If there were ever a movie we wanted to see (such as something completely inappropriate for a 10-year-old like "Sudden Impact") my father waited for it to come to the State and we would see it, albeit later than most people in town, for a discount. That is only where the frugality begins. Prior to pulling into our parking space, we would visit the Food Bag, pick up some sodas and popcorn and bring those into the theater with us ("They rip you off at concession stands - I remember when popcorn was a nickel."). The icing on the cake was my father trying to pass my twin brother and me off as children to get a lower ticket price ("Bend down a little boys and Michael, walk with a limp."). Never mind that he would try this when we were both shaving on a regular basis.

As I look back on my childhood, I could never imagine growing up with anyone else as my father. Sure he had his quirks (black dot tests, creative swear word combinations, endless stories about the 20 jobs he had while putting himself through Iona College) but I will use this opportunity to say something I don't say nearly enough: I love you dad!

An Alternative Take on the Death of Michael Jackson

This was published in today's edition of the Stamford Advocate (www.stamfordadvocate.com) in the "Letter's from Readers" section. I figured it was a good way to start off this blog. What do you think? Was that last line too much?

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Those of us who graduated from the University of Connecticut Storrs in 1996 had the pleasure of hearing Quincy Jones speak during commencement ceremonies for the college of liberal arts and sciences. Being caught up in the moment, I do not remember much of his speech but I do remember Mr. Jones referencing all the talented people he had the pleasure of working with throughout his career including Michael Jackson. There is something else that we class of ‘96’ graduates also share; we are children of the ‘80s.’

There are many memories that we children of the 80s share including a space shuttle explosion, a president who loved jellybeans, a Pope who was nearly assassinated, and, of course, the video for Michael Jackson’s Thriller. There was a period of time when even we predominantly white kids from St. Cecilia’s school would attempt moon walking down the hallways. I clearly remember Brian L. who proudly wore a white sequence glove and Colleen H. who had more Michael Jackson pins on her jean jacket than there was denim. 

And then it happened; we turned on Michael. After a while, it was not cool to listen to Michael’s music. The gloves and pins were tossed aside for other icons. Yet it wasn’t just a change in fads that turned on Michael, society as a whole turned on him as well. Allegations of sexual abuse, drastic changes in appearance, and erratic behavior filled headlines for the past decade or so. Now, shortly after his death, we remember the good times; the singles, the dance moves, the Grammy’s. His star is shining again. 

It begs the question, if we were asked our opinion of Michael on June 24th (the day before he died) what would we have said? Where was this outpouring of reminiscence then? There is a lesson in Michael’s death that transcends stardom, musical taste, and popularity. I ask that each of us take a look around and identify the Michael Jackson’s in our lives. Maybe they are once close friends or family members who have gone down a self-destructive path. Maybe they drink too much or abuse other substances. Maybe it hurts us to look at them now because we just can’t recognize them anymore. 

Yet perhaps if we continue to reach out to them and continue to show them we care, their sense of hopelessness may start to erode. Perhaps, due to our kindness and outreach, they might find the strength to start turning their life around.

If there is a positive lesson in Michael Jackson’s death it is that we cannot afford to turn our backs on those truly in need; especially those who we call mother, father, sister brother, friend, and, sometimes, pop idol. I think I will take my own advice and start by looking at the man in the mirror.

Moment of Surrender

The below is another submission that I sent to the Busted Halo Show (M-F 7pm-10pm, Sirius 159, XM 117) for their segment entitled Faith and Culture Thursdays.  If you have not done so yet, I strongly encourage you to purchase U2's latest album No Line on the Horizon.  It is a cross between their work in the 90s and the style of The Unforgettable Fire.  An amazing album.  

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While out running yesterday, U2s “Moment of Surrender” came on the iPod. The chorus and one verse in particular stopped me dead in my tracks:

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the train would stop

Starting with the time we are born we are pushed (unless of course delivered by C-Section and then I suppose we are pulled) into a world that wants us to be independent. Parents are taught not to pick up crying babies. As parents, we cannot wait for our children to walk by themselves (so we don’t have to carry them), talk for themselves (to tell us what they want), and ultimately live by themselves. This independence is not a natural state. God does not want us to be independent from Him – why would it be His will to be independent from our human families? We are taught to keep our guard up and not appear weak. Many of us are taught to never surrender.

We all need a moment of surrender every now and then to reflect on not only who we are as people and how we fit into the world, but to spend time listening to the will of our God. It is in these moments of surrender that we become most creative due to His inspiration. When we fully surrender our wants, needs, and fears over to God good things happen. It takes a strong person to be able to do this and it is something I work on personally.