Happy Birthday Mom

Last week I shared some reflections on lessons that my father taught me. Tonight is my turn to do the same thing for my mother on the 30th anniversary of her 46th birthday.

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It is no secret that our most important teachers are not the ones we find in elementary schools, high schools, or universities; they are our parents. We take this for granted in our younger years spending most of our time believing that our parents know absolutely nothing. It is only when we mature through life that we realize that our parents may have, in fact, forgotten more than we will ever learn.

Mom, you are always there for me and this is something I often take for granted. There are lessons that you taught me in my life that I did not appreciate at the time. I resented the fact that you always volunteered Jimmy and me up for things such as cleaning the Convent at St. Cecilia, mowing Larry Lasagna’s lawn, and even becoming altar servers. I look back now in the rearview mirror of my brief 35 years and realize that you gave me many gifts that I never properly thanked you for. Five of these gifts are outlined below:

1. The joy of serving. Whether it was being altar servers, volunteering for activities in Church, or helping out our neighbors, you taught me how important it is to serve others. I truly believe now that it is only in serving that we can find true happiness and we often walk away from these experiences receiving more than we have given. I put up a fight when you asked me to do many things in service to either you or others; honestly, sometimes I felt as if you were singling me out. Regardless, I am sorry for being argumentative and want to thank you for teaching me the joy of serving others.

2. The importance of being on time. We only lived one mile from Church yet you would always allow a full 30 minutes to get to Mass. Being on time for appointments is a way to show respect to your hosts as well as your guests. Thanks to you, I have never showed up to a meeting late or missed a flight. Thank you for stressing the importance of being on time.

3. The Greatest Gift you can give is Your Time. When I was growing up, you always made it a point to spend time with each of your children one on one. Having three children I know how hard this is to do yet I see the joy and sparkle in my children’s eyes when I can spend time with them alone. Furthermore, you showed me how important it is to spend time with your family while they are young vs. pursuing personal interests. You often see me on the weekends spending time with the kids and not taking time to myself because of your example.

4. The Art of Consolation. I remember when I was in College Bea Kelly’s mother died and you asked Jimmy and me to come to the wake with you. I remember seeing a look of surprise on Mrs. Kelly’s face and how much it meant to her that we were there. I likely went to that wake kicking and screaming but left feeling better about myself because I helped someone feel better during a difficult time. Thank you for showing me the importance of consoling others.

5. Mothers know us best. I went through a large portion of my life feeling as if you did not understand me. At some point in my life, though, I realized that you know me better than I know myself. Thank you for always being there for me.

Uncertainty

Someone close to me was up for a big job but did not get it because the person she was interviewing with was uncertain that my friend was the right cultural fit for their organisation. While my friend had all the qualifications they were looking for, and was told she came the closest out of all candidates interviewed, the other firm decided to hold onto their uncertainty and not take a leap of faith. As I counseled her, it got me thinking about the role of uncertainty and faith and promoted this post.

Uncertainty. It is, of course, human nature, to be uncertain. We are uncertain about small things; what toothpaste shall I purchase? Is this really the right laundry detergent for me? Do these jeans make my butt look big? We are uncertain about big things; is this the right car for me? Should we move in together? Do I wan tto spend the rest of my life with him/her? Shall we name our first child Harold?

Uncertainty. Sometimes it plagues us. It keeps us up at night. Sometimes it even clouds our judgment when we are torn between what the heart wants and what the mind says. Maybe Freud was right after all with all that mumbo jumbo talk about the Ego, Superego, and Id.

Uncertainty. The ironic thing is that we are often uncertain about how we deal with uncertainty. Should I talk to a therapist? Should I talk with my mom? Maybe dad will have some advice. Maybe I will talk to Father Harry, oh, wait, I am not Catholic – he certainly won’t want to talk to me….or will he?

Naturally, the opposite of uncertainty is faith. It takes more strength to have faith than it does to be uncertain. Then again, David was weaker than Goliath but he had faith and beat the giant. There I go, now I am uncertain about the nature of faith. It’s a shame; I thought I had something going there for a minute.

Faith. Once I was led blindfolded into a room as part of an initiation ritual to a club. I was led up a flight of stairs and then, suddenly, was pushed off the top. It was scary, but my friends were there to catch me. Trust is one of the components of faith. Sometimes, to grow, you have to jump blindly and trust that someone will be there to catch you.

Faith. A George Michael song with really pretty supermodels in the video. That scene with Cindy Crawford still gives me goosebumps. When the words ‘no more’ are added after the word faith you have a one hit wonder 90s metal band. Perhaps that is not a good example of faith. However, when the word ‘Blind’ precedes the word faith, you have a tremendous super group with Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood. Can you find your way home?

Faith. Sometimes it is hard to have faith when you have been burned in the past. That happened to me once. I once dated a girl who I found out was cheating on me. It took me a while to trust women after that but it was something I eventually overcame when I felt I met the right person. Look at me now, I am a married man and I don’t worry where my wife has been when she says she was at the gym for 3 hours....or do I?

Breathe!

Today I was in Indiana running in home interviews for a client looking to get a little close to their core consumers. I had two distinct pleasures during this experience; one of my consumers was a HUGE U2 fan (her license plate was RATLNHUM) and the client I was traveling with was from Honduras. What do these two facts have in common? Read on and find out:

My client from Honduras told me stories of how common kidnapping is in her country. People from wealthy families are often kidnapped for ransom money that, once paid, almost always guarantees the release of a family’s loved one. I say almost because some families have paid kidnapper ransom money only to find that their loved one has been murdered. Families have gotten smart to this and always ask to speak with their loved one while negotiating with kidnapers to make sure that their loved one is still alive.

Kidnapping is so common in Honduras that my client was taught code words to use should she ever find herself kidnapped. For example, if, during the negotiation, my client said to a hostage negotiator “I have been praying to San Antonio” this means she is somewhere in the north.” If she said “I have been praying to Santa Maria,” this means she was somewhere in the south.

On the latest U2 album, No Line on the Horizon, the second to last Track is entitled Breathe. The Chorus is below:

Every day I,

have to find the courage

to walk down

into the street,

with arms out

gotta’ love you can’t defeat

neither down or out

there's nothing you have that I need,

I can breath

Breathe now

In America, there are those amongst us who face significant challenges including homelessness, un employment, underemployment, etc. That said, waking up and being able to take a deep breath is truly a gift we take for granted. For most of us, our daily lives do not require vast amounts of courage but for those living in Honduras (or in Morocco where the inspiration for this song came from), daily life is often wrought with fear. Imagine waking down the street in fear of being kidnapped? Imagine being a soldier in Iraq or a passenger on a bus in Tel Aviv wondering if today will be the day you loose your life to a suicide bomber.

In America, life is certainly something we take for granted and this is evident in many places. Most often, the battles we fight are petty and political; we often take for granted the freedom we experience. We rarely stop and give thanks for the simple act of waking up and taking a deep breath without fear. I think I will put that on my list of resolutions, to give thanks just for waking up in the morning.

Darius Rucker is Alright by Me

Cracked Rearview by Hootie and the Blowfish broke when I was in college. As such, I hold a special place for “Hold My Hand” and other songs from that album much like my friend Dixon holds a special place in his heart for recordings off of Neil Young’s Rust Never Sleeps.

This week on the Cape my wife and had a heavy dose of modern country music, a fondness for which we have shared since we danced to Garth Brooks on our wedding day. The CMAs are the preferred award show in our home, but I digress.

Darius Rucker, former lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, is now a solo country artist and his song “Alright” was in heavy rotation last week on the station we were listening to. If you have not heard this song yet, click here and give it a listen before reading the rest of this post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p11jV8bo2oc

This is one of those songs when, listened to closely, that, to borrow a line from Bowie, hits you “like a sock on the jaw.”

If you don’t have the time to listen to the whole song, consider the refrain:

Cause I got a roof over my head

The woman I love layin’ in my bed

And it’s alright, alright

I got shoes under my feat

Forever in the eyes starting back at me

And it’s alright, alright

Yeah I got all I need

And it’s alright by me

How many times do we say to ourselves, “I would just be happy if I just had a…” fill in the blanks: new kitchen, new bathroom, iPhone, new computer, new house, more money, etc. etc. etc. But there is wisdom in this song as well as in an old Eagles lyric:

So often times it happens

That we live our lives in chains

And never even know we have the key

Most of us have all that we need in what we already have. I look at my kids and I really could not ask for more in life. They are healthy and happy (most of the time). I have a wife who puts up with my insanity and never lets me forget that I am human. So why do we always want more?

I often chalk that up to where I live; Fairfield County, CT is very competitive on a social level. People drive fancy cars, send their kids to fancy schools, and oftentimes judge each other based on the clothes they wear and the company they keep. So the solution, of course, would be to move away from it all. Right?

Wrong. This shallowness can be found anywhere. Letting it affect you is a choice. Darius Rucker reminds us, in a way that only country music can do, that we may not have all that we want, but we usually have all we need. I look forward to your thoughts on the matter.